The last few weeks had me on a roller coaster ride. Albeit promising a year of solitude, my heart was still able to trick my mind into letting Sir Williams back in...

Sir Williams was the man who initially broke my heart. Mike was the man who saved me. 

Until topsy turvey happened. 

Mike turned out to be a complete asshole, while Sir Williams galantly swooped me away from that forty-grand mess.

Mike didn't just turn out to be one hell of a womanizer, but also one who takes advantage of women's purses (or wallets or pockets or whatever symbolizes money). Sir Williams tried to convince me by computing how much I have already spent on the asshole. How much more gullible and stubborn could I get? The answer to that didn't really matter, as long as it didn't get any worse. I had to pull out, and I didn't wait too long to do that.

Everything was viewed from a very different perspective from then on.

Sir Williams was back in my life, and back to taking my heart for a roller coaster ride.

The first day we met proved our undeniable chemistry. In more ways than one. We definitely missed each other.

The succeding weeks was a whirlwind. There was friendship, sweetness, lots of caring, hints of love... Though nothing more.

I want him back. It feels as if he wants the same. But there are walls that has been built.

I don't know what exactly his walls are made of. I could give a few guesses, but I'll never really know. What I do know is what mine are built of. I know mine are made of anger, pain, suffering, betrayal, disappointments, fear, agony, ... Fortified by love and a lot of masks.

That was what this blog was all about: my wall. The fictional reality I built to protect myself. 

The truth made beautiful by lies. 

The temptuous lies turned into truths.

Sir Williams:

'I love you...'

Why can't life be as simple as those words? Why can't those words just be happily ever after? Why does such a line have to be so... Complicated? Why must these walls block the beauty of... 

| anger | pain | suffering | betrayal | disappointments | fear | agony |

...I love you too?

Good Morning New Life!

I'm awake now. I told you to just let me be, and that I'd pick myself up one of these days. I'm picking myself up now, and with that I made a challenge for myself.

After over a decade of continuously being in a relationship, ending one with another ready to catch me, I am challenging myself this St. Patrick's Day to stay single until 2010's St. Patrick's Day.

Edgar Allan Pooh:
"Rest and reset"

Sir William Pennybanks on my McD collection:

"Believe in what you can do and what you can accomplish."

For one year starting today, I will be single, and I will be building up my life on my own two feet.

For one year that passed, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, the family and friends that never failed to support me, as well as those who stopped believing in me; for that I will prove my worth.

Irish quote on Paddy's Day:

"May those that love us, love us.

And those that don't love us,

May God turn their hearts.

And if He doesn't turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles

So we will know them by their limping."

Lady Schwarz to Mike Schmornoff:

"Because of you, I have learned a lot. Thank you. Your reward awaits you in the burning pits of hell."

Para Sayo

Pare, maraming salamat...

hi..

Yahoo!Mail:
Sir Williams sent you a message. Subject: hi... "How are you?"

The Face Gets Thicker

A very considerate exchange of text messages the day before my beloved grandmother's funeral:

Unknown number: "Condolence..."

Lady: "Much appreciated. May i knw who this is pls.."

Unknown number: "D pers0n u already forgotten. Thx 4 accepting my c0ndolences.u"

Lady: "I have forgotten plenty i wish i haven't.. Please remind me, at least let me know your name please.."

Wrightless: "C helen po. Sori kung istorbo kta. Ayaw n rn kc kta guluhin. If ever magtan0ng c mama syo kung pumunta ako, kw n bhalang sumag0t. Pero sna paki sbi pumunta n ako. Thx po.

After everything she did, she still finds the nerve and the face to ask me to lie for her.

This exchange only proves: she doesn't have an ounce of consideration in her system; she is a chronic liar; she has utmost disrespect for me, her mother and the dead -and who knows what else; she deserves the guillotine.

What Hurts Me The Most

What really hurts and infuriates me is not the fact that my boyfriend strayed. It's not the fact that I am not the only one. It's not the fact that I feel very much taken for granted.

It is the fact that a friend that I have trusted with my life actually thought and tried to steal my man away.

Helen Leah Baello. The trusty Pen Name Generator calls her Wrightless Smalls. Ironically, rightly so.

She didn't deny it when I confronted her about it. She even said, 'you think you could steal him away'. The nerve of the b!tch. I never took notice of the message sent to me until days after, when I realized she was talking about herslef and not Ella, the person bothering my thoughts at the time. At that time, I didn't know everything yet. At that time I told her to forget about it. 

This time is different. Nothing will stay the same after learning these:

She slept with my boyfriend -and payed for their motel room every time. (add a picture to prove it). She kissed him in MY bedroom, while I was in the kitchen, cooking for them. She asked me for advice on love and sex, only for me to find out I was giving her advice on how she would deal with MY boyfriend. Now I know why she was so concerened about my test results from my OB.

Wrightless also introduced my boyfriend to her peers as her own. She also initially requested a particular gift from me for her child. A gift which was actually inspired by their 'first date'.

Wrightless, if you'd get to know her... Is someone you would see as a sweet, gentle and thoughtful person. The absolute opposite of what her innards are actually made of. The exact characteristics of the devil himself.

I knew she was desperate to find her illegitimate child a father. I knew she was despearate enough to actually recieve indecent-proposal-money from a client -very old Chinese guy (who already had a grandson). What I never saw was that she was that desperate enough to actually use my honest friendship, and take advantage of my boyfriends' insecurities to satisfy her own.

Here's another nerve wrecking line from her:

Wrightless:

'I did it for you, to prove you he's not for you. I risked our friendship for that'

And she kept everything behind my back. Hah! How stupid do these people think I am?

I thought people were only this mean in soap operas and telenovelas.

I hate the fact that I get nightmares about this everytime I sleep. I don't deserve this.

In a Relationship Times Two

It turns out that my boyfriend has a girlfriend of three years. Ask him who I am to him? He'd answer, 'his girlfriend'. Ask him the same question about Ella, and he'd answer the same. What am I still doing in this status? I don't know. I guess I'm not crazy anymore. I'm just stupid.

I'm tired. I don't want to move. I just want to leave things as they are and watch where life takes me. Just for now. I don't want to move. I want to stay where I was left behind.

So there goes my status. Name it however you want, just don't let me hear it. I'm in denial. Or whatever. I'm hoping... But who really knows?

I'm hurting.

I'm lost...

Why do I love you?

Lady writes: 

"you found me in the most unlikely place.

you lured me with a most unconventional chase.

you took me in the most unexpected way.

you made me yours that most unforgettable may.

you made me, undeniably, the happiest woman alive.

you then crushed me unsympathetically, my heart did a power dive.

you effectively unsettled my mind, my heart, and my soul.

you left me unredeemed, from here, will i ever again be whole?"

He asked me to write a poem for him 3 weeks ago.

I thought it a nice present for V'day.

The first part, I wrote the day before Wednesday.

The second, I wrote after Wednesday.

He spent the whole V'day weekend with me.

Am I stupid to let this happen? Of course.

But I still am. I want to see where this goes...

Lady:
"If all else fail, would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me?"

Let Me Be

Monday: Garfield hates this day. My cousin Plurked she hates that day. A lot of people hate Mondays. I don't know why. That Monday was just an ordinary day for me: a day to look up to another promising week. The only thing extraordinary about that Monday was that I almost forgot to send my friends a good morning message.. And Valentines day in the week's horizon.

Vday. Hearts day. My personalized cursed day. I never had that uber- romantic, mega- kilig hearts day story. There is one memorable comedic night, but none worthy to hit the romance novels. (Probably because they are, for a fact, fiction!). I have had endless fantasies on how Valentine's Day would be. Reality sucks though. Year by year, the day of love would either bring me the generic date or the book-worthy horror story (which aren't even romantic vampire horror tales).

It was just Monday. Really, just Monday. An ordinary Monday worthy of a few paragraphs.


Tuesday: I remember asking Mike two weeks ago if he believed in Valentine's Day -considering the fact that this would be our first. He said he did. I was a little surprised. A man who believes it, and me.. The woman who has run tired of it. I suppressed any form of longing, excitement or hope for the possibility of reviving The Day. I have learned from past disappointments. I better not give myself reason to bring my thoughts on high only for it to skydive (yet again) without a parachute.

But, my boyfriend believed in The Day. I had to do something somehow. I remember he asked me to write him a poem. The last time I did that for (to give to) a guy was five years ago. I had to try anyhow. So in the zone I went.. And Tuesday only gave me four lines. An unfinished poem. I had a few more days until Vday.

While scourging all the love inspiration I could get, an e-mail exchange occurred;

Atty. Cindy (my aunt discussing family 'matters'):
"You did mention about going with Mike abroad, but that's a long way off. Are you serious with Mike? What are your plans with him? "

Lady:
"I am serious with Mike.
For the ten years I have been in and out of relationships, for watching the closest people around me get married and get divorced, also for watching the rare couple who lives through life still hand in hand... There is only one thing I can be sure of: We never know.
Life's uncertainty never stopped me from loving. Life's experiences has taught me how to use my head, though.
I love Mike. He loves me. We get along well. We have the same dreams and goals. We adjust well to each other's differences. He takes care of me well, and I have never met a man I didn't mind taking care of. Plus, I am happy. :) And for the first time, I have no doubts. I will say yes if he asked me to marry him."

There you go, I professed my love to someone a step up the family hierarchy. Not exactly the easiest thing for me.

Tuesday.


Wednesday: A very productive day for me. An early start, my art, the office. I finished a lot early. I guess there was a reason why, after all.

A call registered to Mike's number.

Unknown Female: "Hello, who's this?"

Lady: "Lady? Who's this?"

Unknown Female: "How do you know Mike?"

Lady: "Oh, he's my boyfriend.. What's your relationship with him?"

Unknown Female: "I'm just his wife, Ella"

Lady: "His wife!??!" (shocked pause)

Ella: "He's here with me, do you want to talk to him?"

Lady: "Yes, I would appreciate that."

(phone was handed over, line was cut)

This is not new to me, although this never happened to someone I have already fallen madly in love with. This usually happens to me within the first three weeks of meeting a guy. Anyway, I did my usual protocol: Talk to the party you personally know, don't prejudge, be calm.

Gracefully, did I handle that. And I decided to go there as well. Take the five-hour trip.

Then there I was, on a small hut with me sitting across this man whom I knew was his boyfriend, and a girl I have never seen in my life.

I am not sure I could conjure enough strength to go past Wednesday yet. This is as fresh as it gets. What happens next is too confusing for me to put to words.

With everything, I ask this be granted me:

Allow me to be stupid. Just for now. I need to be stupid.

I Really Do Love You...

From Bitter Virgin c/o One Manga

Months back, I was faced with choices. The choice between the man who could make me the happiest and hurt me the most, and the man who could simply make me smile and not hurt me as much.

I chose the latter, fearing the pain the heavens could befall upon me. And smile I did.
I have been happy in a way that I knew I always had my heart in check. I was smiling because my heart was in a safe place: guarded by my head.

Half a Year. In Conclusion.

I love Mike so much.

Sir Williams. Sir Williams is a memory I would never forget. I have loved him dearly, if not too much. I say it now, because I hated him too. I have learned to hate him a lot. If you would note, loved and hated are both in their past tenses. I am over loving him. I have decided to stop loving him months ago, and now.. I will start the process of stopping to hate him. (Yes, on both loving and hating, the end are both conscious decisions.)

I want to face it now. Reality.

Sir Williams. What we had was something grand. What we had has been taken for granted. What we had has been long dead. Long before the big break up. What we had lost has been, for an extensive stretch of time, denied. What we had grand has been ruined, and we just couldn't accept it.

Drastic measures. It has been made to cover the truth up. We may have loved until the very end, but we never would have worked from the very beginning.

Broken. Damaged. Lost. Dead.

Our own persons would have been as broken, damaged, lost and dead if the denial went any longer. We would have walked the world as zombies.

A grand intervention was my savior. I truly hope it was, somehow, his too.


I let Mike intervene, and shake my entire world up. I let him steal me away. I let him take over. I let him carry me to my turnaround.

And I did turn around. Turn away. I stopped denying it. What was broken, was indeed broken. The damaged, irrepairable. Which was lost that couldn't be found. The death without resurrection.

I held on to Mike. From that moment until now, he has been my pillar. My strength.

And from this strength, I found my way of saving myself. And, albeit malapropos, I have found a way to save Sir Williams.

At the prime of this strength, I did it the best way I knew how.

How history and experience taught me: 

I left him in the dark. 

I left him where he couldn't find my pain. 

I left him where he couldn't find his way back. 

I left him where the only thing he would see is that light at the end............. 

.............Hope.

Hope. How I hoped he knew how much this lesson was worth. How I hoped he would have used it years back, with his own damaged past. And never have put us in as much sorrow. 

How much I hoped then, is as much as I've learned now.

Now. I have decided. To move on from my own darkness. To keep the good, and rid myself of the bad. Moments. Emotions. Memories. Experiences.

One grand thing I'll hold on to is his promise to love the next woman better than he did me.

At the top of all the torment my heart and my soul has suffered, I pray there's a woman out there who will be loved better than I ever have been, for what I have been through.

On my own accord, somebody will be loved more than I ever have. Better than I ever did.

And as I have started this string of words, I end the same:

I love Mike so much.

Luvluv

Learning the Art.

It has been a long way

Deeper

Lady Schwarz on Mike Schmornoff:
"Each added moment I share with him, I learn more about him; and with every truth, I find myself falling deeper. I love him, and he loves me more."

Prodigious Pedestal of Puissance

Lady Schwarz's thoughts on Mike Schmornoff:

"Mike is stronger than I am. He can handle me like nobody else has been able to. He is strong enough to hold on to me, despite my own uncanny strength. He can hold me and keep me grounded.

Like nobody else ever has.

Ironic to this strength, he is also the gentlest when life calls for it.

I am like a humongous balloon with a sturdy string and the lightest gas, easily swayed by the gentlest winds, easily punctured by a needle. He is the boulder I am tied to. Stubborn on his place and on keeping me there with him on the ground. Adamant despite the winds. Yet have me float high enough to keep myself from the prickles of my own elan."

Lady Schwarz Writes Prose

Lady Schwarz wrote when asked,

"ang pag-ibig na handang magparaya para kaligayahan ng taong mahal nya???
or
ang pag-ibig na handang ipaglalaban ang pagmamahal nya para sa taong mahal nya???"
(To love by letting go for the happiness of the beloved, or to love and fight for it?) 

Magmamahal ako hangang sa kakayanin ko.
(I will love until I couldn't anymore.)

Magmamahal ako hanga't may ibibigay ako.
(I will love until I have nothing left to give.)



Magmamahal ako nang sagad.
(I will love to the fullest.)

Sisisirin ko ang kalaliman ng dagat ng pagibig,
(I will swim the deepest part of the sea of love,)

ang dagat na puno ng kagandahan, kayamanan at kalangitan.
(a sea full of beauty, wealth and heavenliness.)

Dagat ng kabulagan, katangahan at alinlangan.
(The sea of sightlessness, stupidity and doubt.)



Ngunit aahon ako para huminga,
(But I will swim to the surface to breathe,)

Sa pinakahuling saglit.
(At the very last instant.)

bubuhayin ko ang sarili ko,
(I will save myself,)

hihinga ako.
(I will breathe.)



Dahil alam kong hindi pa ako tapos magmahal sa mundo.
(Because I know that in this world, I'm not done loving yet.)


Hindi ako dakila.
(I'm not grand.)

Nagmahal, nagmamahal at magmamahal lang ako.
(I only have loved, am loving and will love.)

Minahal, minamahal at mamahalin din ako.
(I, also, was loved, am loved and will be loved.)

Triple Ex

A curious week last week: All three ex boyfriends popping out of nowhere!

First it was Jack Goldstein from almost a decade ago. I've been seeing him around the past few years, but it was all nothing more than just hi's and hello's. This time, he caught me and my friend, Star Noble at the waiting area in the hospital where he works at. Coincidentally, this is also the hospital our family has trusted over the decades. The waiting area is where you wait and pretty much do nothing. That also means it was great opportunity to chat. We haven't talked that much for years! It was all light conversation, really. Refreshing.

The next day, Jon Stall 'pm'ed me. We caught up with each other's lives. Half of the time he was decent, the other half, he was trying to 'relive' the hot stuff. I had to keep things in check. I should be proud of myself, eh?

The next day, I noticed a long list of my friends from a particular group. I decided to invite them all to a conference to 'catch up'. It was nice to know they were still alive. They even invited me on an out-of-town trip. I don't know if they really meant that, or they meant to disappoint me, but they got me all hiked up for nothing. I was already checking the travel details, when they just had to tell me. My ex was confirmed to go. The EX I'm still bitter about. Yes, It was Sir Williams indeed. I just ignored him completely.

I already 'conveniently' forgot he was friends with these people as well. Oh, and just as soon as they said he was going to the trip, one of the conference people actually invited him into the conference. The nerve! I didn't even bother to figure out who did such a thing.

Triple ex's. One that's truly friendly, one that still has the hots for me, and one that feels like all the women in the world has the hots for him. Excluuuuuude me. Aaaargh! I so hate him!

October 27, 2008 at 9:44 AM

May I add that, a few days after these events, I received a quote through a text message with a number I didn't recognize. Naturally, I asked who the sender was, and, alas... It was the first boyfriend I ever had. Puppy love, maybe. Pure innocence there.

Life's crazy coincidences.

He Owns Me Now, And He Knows How

Mike Schmornoff:
"I can't love you the way your ex-boyfriend loves you...

... I can only love you more."

I don't have to say I know where my heart belongs now, do I?