Queen of Denial, No More

The last post I wrote allowed me to reflect on what was happening; to our relationship and to myself.

Changes. A lot of them happened from that post to this one.

Today, half a decade has passed since that first kiss; since we became officially a couple.
By the time I finish this blog, I would be officially single.

Since the last post, realization hit me. It's like everything that's been in my head jumbled together in utter chaos has been poured out and organized in an easy-to-read chart.

One year of being in an open relationship has been a year of denial for me. I denied the fact that I was mad at him for cheating. I denied the fact that I was hurt. I denied the fact that I couldn't take it. I was proud, thinking I was a cool girlfriend for letting him sleep with other girls, thinking that I was a confident and liberal person. Add my contradictory nature and the majority telling me that wasn't the way things should be.

Being in an open relationship turned out to be an escape from reality: the truth that what we had was ruined.

I call it an extremely delayed reaction. Anger is not an emotion I'm eager about.

We decided to end things on this event. The five years we spent together was not a waste and is still worth comemorating. We both learned a lot from this experience. We both grew well, as much as we still have to keep on stretching our branches.

I still love him, but I have to love myself more.