I Really Do Love You...

From Bitter Virgin c/o One Manga

Months back, I was faced with choices. The choice between the man who could make me the happiest and hurt me the most, and the man who could simply make me smile and not hurt me as much.

I chose the latter, fearing the pain the heavens could befall upon me. And smile I did.
I have been happy in a way that I knew I always had my heart in check. I was smiling because my heart was in a safe place: guarded by my head.

Half a Year. In Conclusion.

I love Mike so much.

Sir Williams. Sir Williams is a memory I would never forget. I have loved him dearly, if not too much. I say it now, because I hated him too. I have learned to hate him a lot. If you would note, loved and hated are both in their past tenses. I am over loving him. I have decided to stop loving him months ago, and now.. I will start the process of stopping to hate him. (Yes, on both loving and hating, the end are both conscious decisions.)

I want to face it now. Reality.

Sir Williams. What we had was something grand. What we had has been taken for granted. What we had has been long dead. Long before the big break up. What we had lost has been, for an extensive stretch of time, denied. What we had grand has been ruined, and we just couldn't accept it.

Drastic measures. It has been made to cover the truth up. We may have loved until the very end, but we never would have worked from the very beginning.

Broken. Damaged. Lost. Dead.

Our own persons would have been as broken, damaged, lost and dead if the denial went any longer. We would have walked the world as zombies.

A grand intervention was my savior. I truly hope it was, somehow, his too.


I let Mike intervene, and shake my entire world up. I let him steal me away. I let him take over. I let him carry me to my turnaround.

And I did turn around. Turn away. I stopped denying it. What was broken, was indeed broken. The damaged, irrepairable. Which was lost that couldn't be found. The death without resurrection.

I held on to Mike. From that moment until now, he has been my pillar. My strength.

And from this strength, I found my way of saving myself. And, albeit malapropos, I have found a way to save Sir Williams.

At the prime of this strength, I did it the best way I knew how.

How history and experience taught me: 

I left him in the dark. 

I left him where he couldn't find my pain. 

I left him where he couldn't find his way back. 

I left him where the only thing he would see is that light at the end............. 

.............Hope.

Hope. How I hoped he knew how much this lesson was worth. How I hoped he would have used it years back, with his own damaged past. And never have put us in as much sorrow. 

How much I hoped then, is as much as I've learned now.

Now. I have decided. To move on from my own darkness. To keep the good, and rid myself of the bad. Moments. Emotions. Memories. Experiences.

One grand thing I'll hold on to is his promise to love the next woman better than he did me.

At the top of all the torment my heart and my soul has suffered, I pray there's a woman out there who will be loved better than I ever have been, for what I have been through.

On my own accord, somebody will be loved more than I ever have. Better than I ever did.

And as I have started this string of words, I end the same:

I love Mike so much.

Luvluv

Learning the Art.

It has been a long way

Deeper

Lady Schwarz on Mike Schmornoff:
"Each added moment I share with him, I learn more about him; and with every truth, I find myself falling deeper. I love him, and he loves me more."

Prodigious Pedestal of Puissance

Lady Schwarz's thoughts on Mike Schmornoff:

"Mike is stronger than I am. He can handle me like nobody else has been able to. He is strong enough to hold on to me, despite my own uncanny strength. He can hold me and keep me grounded.

Like nobody else ever has.

Ironic to this strength, he is also the gentlest when life calls for it.

I am like a humongous balloon with a sturdy string and the lightest gas, easily swayed by the gentlest winds, easily punctured by a needle. He is the boulder I am tied to. Stubborn on his place and on keeping me there with him on the ground. Adamant despite the winds. Yet have me float high enough to keep myself from the prickles of my own elan."

Lady Schwarz Writes Prose

Lady Schwarz wrote when asked,

"ang pag-ibig na handang magparaya para kaligayahan ng taong mahal nya???
or
ang pag-ibig na handang ipaglalaban ang pagmamahal nya para sa taong mahal nya???"
(To love by letting go for the happiness of the beloved, or to love and fight for it?) 

Magmamahal ako hangang sa kakayanin ko.
(I will love until I couldn't anymore.)

Magmamahal ako hanga't may ibibigay ako.
(I will love until I have nothing left to give.)



Magmamahal ako nang sagad.
(I will love to the fullest.)

Sisisirin ko ang kalaliman ng dagat ng pagibig,
(I will swim the deepest part of the sea of love,)

ang dagat na puno ng kagandahan, kayamanan at kalangitan.
(a sea full of beauty, wealth and heavenliness.)

Dagat ng kabulagan, katangahan at alinlangan.
(The sea of sightlessness, stupidity and doubt.)



Ngunit aahon ako para huminga,
(But I will swim to the surface to breathe,)

Sa pinakahuling saglit.
(At the very last instant.)

bubuhayin ko ang sarili ko,
(I will save myself,)

hihinga ako.
(I will breathe.)



Dahil alam kong hindi pa ako tapos magmahal sa mundo.
(Because I know that in this world, I'm not done loving yet.)


Hindi ako dakila.
(I'm not grand.)

Nagmahal, nagmamahal at magmamahal lang ako.
(I only have loved, am loving and will love.)

Minahal, minamahal at mamahalin din ako.
(I, also, was loved, am loved and will be loved.)

Triple Ex

A curious week last week: All three ex boyfriends popping out of nowhere!

First it was Jack Goldstein from almost a decade ago. I've been seeing him around the past few years, but it was all nothing more than just hi's and hello's. This time, he caught me and my friend, Star Noble at the waiting area in the hospital where he works at. Coincidentally, this is also the hospital our family has trusted over the decades. The waiting area is where you wait and pretty much do nothing. That also means it was great opportunity to chat. We haven't talked that much for years! It was all light conversation, really. Refreshing.

The next day, Jon Stall 'pm'ed me. We caught up with each other's lives. Half of the time he was decent, the other half, he was trying to 'relive' the hot stuff. I had to keep things in check. I should be proud of myself, eh?

The next day, I noticed a long list of my friends from a particular group. I decided to invite them all to a conference to 'catch up'. It was nice to know they were still alive. They even invited me on an out-of-town trip. I don't know if they really meant that, or they meant to disappoint me, but they got me all hiked up for nothing. I was already checking the travel details, when they just had to tell me. My ex was confirmed to go. The EX I'm still bitter about. Yes, It was Sir Williams indeed. I just ignored him completely.

I already 'conveniently' forgot he was friends with these people as well. Oh, and just as soon as they said he was going to the trip, one of the conference people actually invited him into the conference. The nerve! I didn't even bother to figure out who did such a thing.

Triple ex's. One that's truly friendly, one that still has the hots for me, and one that feels like all the women in the world has the hots for him. Excluuuuuude me. Aaaargh! I so hate him!

October 27, 2008 at 9:44 AM

May I add that, a few days after these events, I received a quote through a text message with a number I didn't recognize. Naturally, I asked who the sender was, and, alas... It was the first boyfriend I ever had. Puppy love, maybe. Pure innocence there.

Life's crazy coincidences.

He Owns Me Now, And He Knows How

Mike Schmornoff:
"I can't love you the way your ex-boyfriend loves you...

... I can only love you more."

I don't have to say I know where my heart belongs now, do I?

Choices

The man who could make me the happiest and could also hurt me the most... Or... The man who could simply make me smile and not hurt me as much?

How do you choose between two things so different? Why is such a choice so hard to make?

Something Borrowed

Something is definitely being borrowed.

Something Borrowed

There's a reason I couldn't 'just forget' Sir Williams. I owed his family a hundred thousand moolahs.

It was an open door for conversations.

And conversations we made... On borrowed time. I wasn't his anymore right?

But then, no one could really own a girl like me....


Conversations....

He really wants me. He really loves me. He's finally willing to let go of everything. He wants to move in with me and take care of me and my sisters.

He's practically giving me a ring!

But of course, Sir Williams respects what I have and where I am now.

Sir Williams:
"I'm willing to wait."

This makes a girl like me very confused...

Something Old

So the cozy weekend had to end... Mike drove me back to the bus terminal, which started a five hour trip that left me giggling with the remnants of the weekend while worrying about the reality of the following days: I had to tell Sir Williams.

Sir Williams. He came over the next evening. My arrogance have never seen a guy cry so much... I felt nothing. It was his fault he was in this state. If he loved me enough, he wouldn't have chosen the freedom to have sex with other women over my love and commitment. It was his fault. I could only pity him.

It was flattery as well. Add pride. I couldn't care less. Oh, and I had Mike. My new boyfriend. He made me happy, right?

I just had to get rid of old baggage. The guy that didn't care enough. The guy that only wanted me back because someone else owned me now. I must admit I was worried about him. So I had to cut it. Harshly if I had to. For his sake.

Mike called. I was in the room with Sir Williams when he did. And Mike just had to hear how much I loved him. Over. And over. And over. And over again. In Sir Williams earshot. How cruel could we get?

Very.

It was Sir Williams fault he was crying overnight. Not mine.

I wished it was otherwise, but he just cared a little too late...

Stolen

Lady Schwarz:
"Would you say you stole me away from Sir William Pennybanks?"

Mike Schmornoff:
"They say the best things are always taken."

Mike played me this song while we were in his car, saying he dedicated it to me...

The guy knows how to make me melt inside. Or am I just too gullible?

Something New

July 5, 2008 got me a new boyfriend.

I spent that weekend at Mike Schmornoff's place in NE, five hours away from home. Cozy weekend. Happy... As far as I know.

Sir William Pennybanks called my cellphone and Mike answered. Knowing him, Sir William asked Mike politely if he could talk to me, and Mike obliged.

(You know I'm playing with pseudonyms again. Thanks to the Pen Name Generator...)

Sir Williams voice was practically quivering. I was being arrogant (he didn't think he's irreplaceable, did he?) at the same time, I felt his pain.

That time, all I knew was that Sir Williams didn't care for me as much as Mike did. I waited long enough for him to 'realize' I was more important than his freedom (to fuck all those girls). I waited. Painfully.

All I saw was that I was lucky Mike was there for comfort. He was there when Sir Williams wasn't.

Still on the phone, (mind you, cross-carrier calls isn't cheap) Sir Willams asked me if Mike and I were a couple. I told him the truth: I didn't know.

I really didn't.

But that made me wonder...

The line wasn't too clear, and the phone conversation (which mainly consisted of how are yous and will you be alright queries) didn't last long. The satellites weren't forgiving.

That question lingered though; were we or weren't we? I just had to ask.

Please don't ask me why I don't know myself. I'm crazy, remember?


I asked and Mike answered. And what courting guy in his right mind would give a 'no'?

Strange but true. Strangely me.

It was a beautiful weekend. I tried my darnedest not to worry about Sir Williams, and as much as I've succeeded most of the time, the inevitable was, well... Inevitable.

Still, Mike was fine. The weekend was a beauty. I went home with a smile.

Catching Up

I've been gone from these pages for a while now... So much has happened, but I have no idea where to begin. It's a chaos of thoughts in my head all zipping through, ricocheting back and forth in my skull.

Let's see if enumerating helps.

1. I have a new boyfriend.
2. Old boyfriend cleared things up, and wants me back.
3. I'm confused.

I guess that helped a bit... At least we both have an idea what the future posts will be about.

A road trip to Subic with my then soon-to-be-ex-bf marked the beginning of this adventure. The beginning of the realization that a chapter in my not-so-glamorous life is about to end.

Subic : May 10-11
With then soon-to-be-ex-bf and his family.
The birthday of his niece, the girl who played a vital role in keeping us together the past five years.
Mother's day, and missing the mother who passed, and loved my then soon-to-be-ex-bf so much.
The days before our supposedly fifth anniversary.
The days before the day we've planned to break up.

It was in Subic that I realized that neither of us were backing out on the proposed break up. Of course, I kept on hoping otherwise.

Close to a month after, an out of the blue invite from friends (a couple and another who's also nursing a broken heart) to go to Ilocos opened up another adventure.

Urdaneta, Sta. Maria, Vigan, Laoag, Pagudpud : June 7-11
A plan that wasn't.
A tiny bag for what I thought was for two nights.
The first trip I took without my family or a boyfriend.
A trip that cleared a lot of thoughts.
A trip that proved a lot.

It was in Urdaneta that I learned to trust life. It was in Sta. Maria that I learned to relax. It was in Vigan that I learned to love life. It was in Laoag that I learned about myself and some particularly special people. It was in Pagudpud that I learned how beautiful friends are.


Friday the thirteenth at Metrowalk was a great night out with friends, which led to the dawn of this adventure.

Cavite : June 14-15
A sequel to the Iloco's Roadies.
An opportunity to know my friends more.
A lot of meaningful conversations.
A lot of realizations.
A lot of hopeful views for tomorrow.

I went home exhausted with a smile on my face.


A thought insistingly ran through my head. I just had to know. Soon. I had to see him. I had to be with him. I had to know. What I had to know, I didn't even know. I just knew I had to be with him. ASAP.

Nueva Ecija : June 17-18
I dared myself to travel alone.
I followed my heart.
I experienced him.
I was with him, and at that moment, it was everything that mattered.

It was in Nueva Ecija that I let my heart soar without thought. Freedom. Happiness. Probably... Love.

"You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me;
this love sick thing
I like serious relationships and a...
A girl like me don't stay single for long,
'cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up,
my world is crushed and I'm all alone,
the love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back!"

-Fergie in Clumsy

Blabz III

Lady Schwarz to Sir William Pennybanks:
"You have the power to make me the happiest girl in the world, you also have the ability to hurt me the most."