Choices

The man who could make me the happiest and could also hurt me the most... Or... The man who could simply make me smile and not hurt me as much?

How do you choose between two things so different? Why is such a choice so hard to make?

Something Borrowed

Something is definitely being borrowed.

Something Borrowed

There's a reason I couldn't 'just forget' Sir Williams. I owed his family a hundred thousand moolahs.

It was an open door for conversations.

And conversations we made... On borrowed time. I wasn't his anymore right?

But then, no one could really own a girl like me....


Conversations....

He really wants me. He really loves me. He's finally willing to let go of everything. He wants to move in with me and take care of me and my sisters.

He's practically giving me a ring!

But of course, Sir Williams respects what I have and where I am now.

Sir Williams:
"I'm willing to wait."

This makes a girl like me very confused...

Something Old

So the cozy weekend had to end... Mike drove me back to the bus terminal, which started a five hour trip that left me giggling with the remnants of the weekend while worrying about the reality of the following days: I had to tell Sir Williams.

Sir Williams. He came over the next evening. My arrogance have never seen a guy cry so much... I felt nothing. It was his fault he was in this state. If he loved me enough, he wouldn't have chosen the freedom to have sex with other women over my love and commitment. It was his fault. I could only pity him.

It was flattery as well. Add pride. I couldn't care less. Oh, and I had Mike. My new boyfriend. He made me happy, right?

I just had to get rid of old baggage. The guy that didn't care enough. The guy that only wanted me back because someone else owned me now. I must admit I was worried about him. So I had to cut it. Harshly if I had to. For his sake.

Mike called. I was in the room with Sir Williams when he did. And Mike just had to hear how much I loved him. Over. And over. And over. And over again. In Sir Williams earshot. How cruel could we get?

Very.

It was Sir Williams fault he was crying overnight. Not mine.

I wished it was otherwise, but he just cared a little too late...

Stolen

Lady Schwarz:
"Would you say you stole me away from Sir William Pennybanks?"

Mike Schmornoff:
"They say the best things are always taken."

Mike played me this song while we were in his car, saying he dedicated it to me...

The guy knows how to make me melt inside. Or am I just too gullible?

Something New

July 5, 2008 got me a new boyfriend.

I spent that weekend at Mike Schmornoff's place in NE, five hours away from home. Cozy weekend. Happy... As far as I know.

Sir William Pennybanks called my cellphone and Mike answered. Knowing him, Sir William asked Mike politely if he could talk to me, and Mike obliged.

(You know I'm playing with pseudonyms again. Thanks to the Pen Name Generator...)

Sir Williams voice was practically quivering. I was being arrogant (he didn't think he's irreplaceable, did he?) at the same time, I felt his pain.

That time, all I knew was that Sir Williams didn't care for me as much as Mike did. I waited long enough for him to 'realize' I was more important than his freedom (to fuck all those girls). I waited. Painfully.

All I saw was that I was lucky Mike was there for comfort. He was there when Sir Williams wasn't.

Still on the phone, (mind you, cross-carrier calls isn't cheap) Sir Willams asked me if Mike and I were a couple. I told him the truth: I didn't know.

I really didn't.

But that made me wonder...

The line wasn't too clear, and the phone conversation (which mainly consisted of how are yous and will you be alright queries) didn't last long. The satellites weren't forgiving.

That question lingered though; were we or weren't we? I just had to ask.

Please don't ask me why I don't know myself. I'm crazy, remember?


I asked and Mike answered. And what courting guy in his right mind would give a 'no'?

Strange but true. Strangely me.

It was a beautiful weekend. I tried my darnedest not to worry about Sir Williams, and as much as I've succeeded most of the time, the inevitable was, well... Inevitable.

Still, Mike was fine. The weekend was a beauty. I went home with a smile.

Catching Up

I've been gone from these pages for a while now... So much has happened, but I have no idea where to begin. It's a chaos of thoughts in my head all zipping through, ricocheting back and forth in my skull.

Let's see if enumerating helps.

1. I have a new boyfriend.
2. Old boyfriend cleared things up, and wants me back.
3. I'm confused.

I guess that helped a bit... At least we both have an idea what the future posts will be about.

A road trip to Subic with my then soon-to-be-ex-bf marked the beginning of this adventure. The beginning of the realization that a chapter in my not-so-glamorous life is about to end.

Subic : May 10-11
With then soon-to-be-ex-bf and his family.
The birthday of his niece, the girl who played a vital role in keeping us together the past five years.
Mother's day, and missing the mother who passed, and loved my then soon-to-be-ex-bf so much.
The days before our supposedly fifth anniversary.
The days before the day we've planned to break up.

It was in Subic that I realized that neither of us were backing out on the proposed break up. Of course, I kept on hoping otherwise.

Close to a month after, an out of the blue invite from friends (a couple and another who's also nursing a broken heart) to go to Ilocos opened up another adventure.

Urdaneta, Sta. Maria, Vigan, Laoag, Pagudpud : June 7-11
A plan that wasn't.
A tiny bag for what I thought was for two nights.
The first trip I took without my family or a boyfriend.
A trip that cleared a lot of thoughts.
A trip that proved a lot.

It was in Urdaneta that I learned to trust life. It was in Sta. Maria that I learned to relax. It was in Vigan that I learned to love life. It was in Laoag that I learned about myself and some particularly special people. It was in Pagudpud that I learned how beautiful friends are.


Friday the thirteenth at Metrowalk was a great night out with friends, which led to the dawn of this adventure.

Cavite : June 14-15
A sequel to the Iloco's Roadies.
An opportunity to know my friends more.
A lot of meaningful conversations.
A lot of realizations.
A lot of hopeful views for tomorrow.

I went home exhausted with a smile on my face.


A thought insistingly ran through my head. I just had to know. Soon. I had to see him. I had to be with him. I had to know. What I had to know, I didn't even know. I just knew I had to be with him. ASAP.

Nueva Ecija : June 17-18
I dared myself to travel alone.
I followed my heart.
I experienced him.
I was with him, and at that moment, it was everything that mattered.

It was in Nueva Ecija that I let my heart soar without thought. Freedom. Happiness. Probably... Love.

"You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me;
this love sick thing
I like serious relationships and a...
A girl like me don't stay single for long,
'cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up,
my world is crushed and I'm all alone,
the love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back!"

-Fergie in Clumsy

Blabz III

Lady Schwarz to Sir William Pennybanks:
"You have the power to make me the happiest girl in the world, you also have the ability to hurt me the most."

BUS & Blabz II: Paradox of Hatred and Peace

A huge fight happened the day after my birthday. I guess all the hatred in my heart just had to get out and stab him on all sides. So did his anger.

It all happened online. The biggest fonts, and the MOST NUMBER OF UPPERCASE LETTERS you could find in a single chat conversation, you'd find it there. Top that with foul and vulgar words. The decision to cut all ties was made. The finality of everything hurt.

He decided to return his keys to my house, and pick up his stuff on the day I was supposed to be celebrating my birthday. Very considerate.

I was strong. A few drops of tears were there, but I had to be strong.

I had a party to organize. Irony.

...

I had my sisters. My step father was there. Party planning... That helped a lot. I'm moving on...

Until a tall, handsome man arrived uninvited, with a huge bouquet of wild flowers.

...

Yes, that kagwapuhan was him; the guy who couldn't care less.

BULLSHIT! After harassing me with his words. He woos me again with them.

Lady Schwarz:
"What are you doing? What the FCUK are you doing?"

He said he wasn't trying to come back. He said he just wanted to apologize for what he did.

I cried. Of course, I cried! It hurt! It hurt so much to see him again. It hurt to even smell him!

He sat there beside me. Just quiet.

The honesty was still there. The love, the truth, and despite what previously happened, the respect.

He hugged me, he was there to comfort. And as much as I knew it was wrong, I let him kiss me. It felt okay. The sexual chemistry, it was still there all right. But I really was moving on...

He didn't stay for my party. I had the time of my life with my friends that night. I was happy. Content.

BUS: Backslide

My heart has been peaceful the past few days... Not hurting, not happy, not sad (romantically speaking)... Just quiet. Surviving. Steady. Breathing.

Until these text messages arrive:
Sir William Pennybanks:

"I gues ur aslip na. Cge po gudnyt slip well."

"Globe n pala gamit mo nw. Wala naman po jst misses u."

"Basta, miss u lng. nevermind. Sori kung naistorbo kta... Hehehe..."

"Wats up? 2log naman c manoy ha. Joke.wla naman po. Anyway gudnyt slip n tau."

"Hehehe miss ko n voice mo . . .hehehe kulit ko noh."

The tears just had to flow. It hurts. As much as it hurts, I liked hearing from him. I hate it that it felt that way. It's like a wound that has almost dried up... He just had to scratch off the scab to make my wound fresh again. I hate saying it, but... I hate it!

BUS: Hopeful

I want to love again...

Blabz I

Conversations with people who aren't really there. Thoughts of things I would/should/could say to people that crossed my mind.

Lady Schwarz to Sir William Pennybanks:
"Will you be taking long? Because I don't know how much longer I could wait."

Of course, I'm using pseudonyms! I'm calling this my blabber.

BUS: Busy

BUS: Doubt

I caught a buzz from a friends' girlfriend a few minutes ago. To note, they're on troubled waters right now. If I may say, she needed some friendly words. Knowing myself, I gave her my advice. If I'm not alone, then you might have experienced giving advice that you would've given yourself, if only you knew.

Here are some of my own thoughts that I shot at her which ricocheted back to me;

"Are you holding on to the relationship because you don't want to get hurt?"

"What do you really want, to hold on or to move on? You have to decide which direction you're taking. There are only two answers to choose from."

"I don't think it matters how they show it, what matters is that they do." -On love.

All I can say is... Eeeeoowwch! That hit me like a rocket.

I call this stage: Doubt. I am now questioning my decision, have I made the right one or did my impulsive nature get the best of me again?

Ano ba talaga!??!



Right this moment these Yahoo!Messenger emoticons jumped at me:

"That punch hurt. You mighten shook your head like it didn't hurt, but that hurt."

"C'mon! Keep punchin'!"

BUS (Break Up Stage): Anger

Yesterday was crazy.

I hated myself for calling him the other day - all day - only to get ignored.
I hated myself more for calling him, yet again, at 4 in the morning to get a grumpy answer and to tell him off about him not loving me anymore, as if I could expect him to answer me with a great big smile, full of love because I told him I can't take him anymore.
I hated my friend who 'wants to be there for me', but ignored my messages and calls as well the other day.
I hated him more for repeatedly calling me tanga for calling my ex. I know what I did was, indeed, stupid. But nobody calls me that but myself.
I hated myself for probably making the wrong decision.

I'm assuming that was the phase called; Anger.

Later that day though, a new guy caught my interest; this 'friend' called as if nothing happened and cheered me up, and the ex called to tell me about his pasalubong for me.

I felt better but I didn't like what I've observed: My happiness depends on the men around me. Realizations, they may not be good, but it's true... Unfortunately. I should do something about it... Hmm...

Entering the Breakup Phase

Pardon me for an upcoming series of break-up blues.

Punched walls, injured wrists, bruised knuckles, tear-stained pillows, battered egos, cold calls, and so much more.

Welcome to my broken heart.

It'll pass, I know, but for now... Here goes...

The Art of Unloving You

Sometimes, just when you think you've found the perfect person, he realizes that there are so many things wrong with you. Eventually, you also realize that there are so many things wrong with him and everything just falls apart. After some time, you realize that it's over. No amount of screaming, kicking and whining can bring you an instant replay of the things that were and could have been. Give me the space and the time that I need to learn to unlove you.

How are you? I don't know how I am. Would you take it against me if I answer that question with a cold stare? How am I doing? I don't know. I absolutely don't know. I guess I've been having sleepless nights, trying to figure out why things didn't work out. I guess I'm caught between wanting to shut you out of my life completely and wanting to snatch you away. I don't know. I am lost. Life was so much simpler before you messed up with my heart. Happiness, being okay and loneliness were simple emotions. With you in my life! Now, everything seems much more exaggerated. It's like I feel these emotions from my hair to my fingertips, to the point of being nauseated. .

Are you okay? I don't think I'm okay. I am not okay. Being confused never belonged to the realm of being okay. Do you realize what you do to me? My days seem so much happier. The sun seems to shine brighter. The rain brings a smile to my lips. The colors seem more vivid and I now love the things I used to hate. I don't think I'm okay.

My life has always been on a timetable. Everything is planned and every aspect has a structure. Everything has a Plan A and if the Plan A does not work, there's always a Plan B. When all else fails, there's always Plan C. When you came something has placed the entire order in my life upside down. My timetable changed and to the point I don't follow a schedule anymore. My plans were all put on hold. The whole structure just went crashing. I had a clear view of what I wanted, where I was going and what I need to get there. The moment you walked in, none of them seemed to matter anymore. All I wanted was to stay with you. And that isn't me. I can't afford to allow that to be me. Not this time. Not with you.

You represent the exact opposite of everything I've ever longed for and yet, for some strange reason, I feel happy when I'm with you. Some people have a problem dealing with loneliness. I, however, find myself having a problem dealing with happiness because I can't justify to my mind what I feel about you. It's just not logical. It defies reason.

Are you angry with me? No, I'm not angry with you. I am just doing what's best for the both of us thereby solving the problem before it begins. I know this feeling all too well. I know I'm gonna end up starting my day with thoughts of you and end it just the same. I'd have imaginary conversations with you in my head. And then one day, I'd wake up realizing that you have become an essential part of my day. It would be all so rosy for the first 90 days. Until one day, reality gives me a nudge and makes me realize I don't really have you.
That no matter how much you said you loved my eyes and sharing your dreams and your thoughts with me, I still won't be enough.

That no matter how much you said you cared about me, you can never love me the way I want to be loved. So let me solve this the only way I know how.

You really don't want to see me anymore, no? Well, yes... At least until I get over you. At least until I am sure that your presence no longer affects my better judgment. At least until I've accepted the finality of things and never feel myself longing for something you cannot give. Let me concentrate on the negative things about you. Let me bring you down from the pedestal I once placed you in. Allow me to see your worst and then maybe I'd change my mind. Let me remind myself that as much as I love you, we have different priorities. That as much as I adore you, you have a way of pissing me off! A way that only you can do. Let me be reminded of what a ball and chain you are then maybe I'd learn to see you in a different light. Let me gaze at your countenance one more time and remind myself how forgettable your features are. Let me walk with indifference when all I wanted to do was to run to your side and hug you. Let me be nonchalant about your stories, about your thoughts. Let me be self-absorbed, allow me to work myself to death or drag my sorry ass whacking my brains out with academic pursuits. Let me be busy. It's just that I don't want to be happy for a moment and be miserable for the next three.

I don't want to love you anymore. My mind refuses to let the heart win. And you know what the worst part of learning to unlove you is? It’s the disappointing reality that my messed up heart stubbornly believes that letting you go means loving you more. So allow me to get the space and the time I need as I live day to day, practicing the art of unloving you.

source: www.femalenetwork.com

I am not brave enough to learn that art yet, but I think I will have to soon... These break-ups, no matter how much you think you've been through enough to be okay this time, you don't.

Queen of Denial, No More

The last post I wrote allowed me to reflect on what was happening; to our relationship and to myself.

Changes. A lot of them happened from that post to this one.

Today, half a decade has passed since that first kiss; since we became officially a couple.
By the time I finish this blog, I would be officially single.

Since the last post, realization hit me. It's like everything that's been in my head jumbled together in utter chaos has been poured out and organized in an easy-to-read chart.

One year of being in an open relationship has been a year of denial for me. I denied the fact that I was mad at him for cheating. I denied the fact that I was hurt. I denied the fact that I couldn't take it. I was proud, thinking I was a cool girlfriend for letting him sleep with other girls, thinking that I was a confident and liberal person. Add my contradictory nature and the majority telling me that wasn't the way things should be.

Being in an open relationship turned out to be an escape from reality: the truth that what we had was ruined.

I call it an extremely delayed reaction. Anger is not an emotion I'm eager about.

We decided to end things on this event. The five years we spent together was not a waste and is still worth comemorating. We both learned a lot from this experience. We both grew well, as much as we still have to keep on stretching our branches.

I still love him, but I have to love myself more.